Writing is a Good Friend

The day I set this Blogger account on Hiatus was actually the time I got home from Ateneo after visiting Bianca. Well, to make things short, I heard from a friend that she was not in good terms with me. And that being said, I didn't even have a single clue as to why.

A week before my visit, I asked around some common acquaintances of ours and I learned that she was mad (I couldn't find an appropriate word) at me because news reached her that I was spreading that she made me hold on to her yet I never had the slightest chance on winning her. To not further complicate this topic, I was supposedly spreading bad rumor, therefore ruining her image to the people.

News reached to me too that I was spreading this bad rumor. I was supposed to be the doer but it seemed as if I didn't know I was already doing the whatsoever thing I was supposed to be doing. I got to admit though that I don't really know what I speak about whenever I'm under the effects of too much alcohol intake (and I don't wish to be considered as well in these cases), but the big question is: WHY?

Why would I spread bad rumor about the girl I loved the most? To whom I offered all of my heart to? To whom I devoted the whole of my self to? Why would I demolish a friendship that took me effort on establishing upon good foundation? Why would I waste such relationship that I've worked my ass all throughout? Why, after investing so much time, would I want all of these to falter? Why?

Having no clear answer myself, I decided to go see Bianca. And I did. I won't be telling what happened (you better ask me personally). I got to say a little of my side and explain myself to her - I got to say sorry for all the trouble - but here's the verdict: doom.

She told me that she was able to confirm the news from 3 of my friends whom she declined to identify due to privacy. Ok I respect that. But if I was really spreading bad rumor, and I really mean SPREADING the hell of it, the whole of Ateneo should've known the whole shitload of the fucking act.

But, no.

My blockmates never heard from me. And so did my English classmates together with Bianca except for those close friends of mine on that section. And I only told my whole story to aMp people she never knew, or my close friends who got only as close to her as seeing her silhouette from afar.

And do I really spread bad rumor? If yes, beat the hell out of me the next time you see me. I mean the HELL FUCKING OUT. And I'd even thank you for that, good sir. I highly regard that beating me up as commendable, even if I'm to take great pain so as to justify my crime. I don't boast the fact that I respect women highly, but if I ever did spread bad rumor about a woman, it would be breaking my principles in life, thus, a crime to me and my world.

On the other side of the paper though, she might have overseen through the whole situation and thus believed a rather less true point of view (since I will never admit that she commits mistakes), I'd still not get angry at her. I just couldn't. Why would I?

No matter what happens, I love her as as friend. And I swear to high heavens that when I pronounce the syllables of the word "love," I fucking mean it.

The whole thing got me crushed to the ground, hopeless. It gets me depressed. "Depressed," ladies and gentlemen, since I don't find the words "fucked up" as real even though the latter phrase has always been my favorite during my screw ups in life.

And Bianca, if ever you read this, I just couldn't find the right words to tell you that's why I can't just talk to you. I don't know what to say since I think I've already said more than enough the last time we saw each other. Nevertheless, I still don't have the soul and the spirit to face you after all these. But don't worry, you can always, and I mean ALWAYS, approach me. And if ever I really did spread the rumor, kindly tell it to me again and I'll gladly accept it. And do whatever pleases you. As long as you're happy, I'm fine. It's what I've always wanted after all - your happiness, not mine. Don't worry, I'll deal with anything. :-)

Here's a tear for reality and for its death.

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Johnnie Walker had this quote "Keep Walking." I did. It got me somewhere.

Happiness

Well I'm really happy 'cause at least I was able to make HER happy on the 13th and 14th of February.

Basically that's it.

She is not a sun that will blind you with beauty,
Nor is she a moon that will light you in darkness,
Nor is she a world where my heart will adhere to,
'Cause she's a universe where my world belongs to.

Yeah I told her those very words and I was glad she smiled upon hearing it. She laughed, and perhaps that's the sweetest laugh I've ever heard with my cold ears due to my heavy metal habit and all that... And her smile - it moved me. No, it stunned me. Uhhh, it stupefied me. Ermm no, I don't think so. It simply made me...

... fall, into infinity and beyond! HAHAHA!

I swear I'm gonna love her.

Faith

The word "faith" reminds me of three words: confidence, trust and belief.

To have faith on something resonate three realities: 1.) being optimistic by being confident on something completely unsure, 2.) that something has acquired one's trust without proving itself first to be trustworthy, 3.) that something is a belief without proof.

Faith then is phony in technical terms. It is indirect and indeterminate, indefinite and immeasurable, unquantifiable and incomprehensible, and worse, it is really intangible and easily inexpressible. Yet, it still exists.

But with all of these depictions, it is absolutely indestructible. No matter how much it is disproved again and again or criticized for how nonexistent and unreal it is in substantial terms, it still remains as an immovable and irremovable long-stretching etch in the time line of human history.

The undiscovered truth is that faith is the reason for mankind's subsistence. Without faith as a reality, intellect would never have been true, life would not have been a four-letter word and the world would have been a very different place.

Without faith as a reality: 1.) Instinct would be the highest form of knowledge, which makes 2.) life equivalent to mere existence and survival, that contributes to the 3.) falseness of the world.

Faith is something that surpasses hope. Faith is the reason...

F - For
A - Anything
I - In
T - This
H - Heaven

Faith is God.